So I decided to talk about something light, as you can see...
I know I'm not the only one who has been through these things so I wanted to make a post about it so that people know they're not alone. Not only that but there are people who don't know what it's like to go through such things so it may be helpful to educate people. But mostly I want to help so that people don't have to go through what I have.
I'll start with anxiety. The particular type of anxiety I suffer with is social anxiety. This is something I've struggled with from an early age due to several things, from my dad being a cunt to being bullied in different ways throughout my life. It's something that has held me back from a lot of things and still does, to a lesser extent. For example, I may be invited to see my friends and at the time of the invite I feel really excited about the concept. But then leading up to the event, I'll start panicking and worrying about anything and everything that could go wrong leading me to make an excuse not to go. Then I'll feel crappy cause I feel like I've let people down and I ask myself, "why am I like this?"
Another trigger for me is when I'm in a room with more than one person. It's as simple as that. What happens is I start panicking and I lose control of my breathing and I look for an escape. And god forbid there be anyone sat or stood behind me. In that case I would have to turn so that I can see everyone. It's highly irrational and it's fucking terrifying. There's nothing scarier to me than being in a room full of people, especially if I don't know them.
And the thing is, nothing helps. You know what really doesn't fucking help? When people ask questions like, "what do you have to panic about?" or "can't you just take a deep breath and get over it?" ... First of all, I have everything to panic about. What if I say or do something stupid? What if I have a stain on my top? What if I fart in front everyone? What if I laugh and I snort? and so on. And no, breathing deeply does not prevent a panic attack. Panic attacks are not rational, you cannot simply respire differently and just chill...
On to depression... Something that a lot of people seem to get wrong about depression is thinking that you're just a bit sad more often than other people. Depression isn't just feeling down from time to time or being a bit melancholic. Depression is failing to find a reason to wake up in the morning and being disappointed when you do wake up. It's having no motivation to do anything because what's the fucking point? It can stop you from leaving the house. It can stop you from washing, shaving, eating, caring. It makes you numb to emotions. It makes you delete your social media profiles to see if anyone cares enough to notice. It makes you turn your phone off so that nobody bothers you but secretly you want to have hundreds of messages when you turn it back on. You never do...
Anti-depressants are something that a lot of people use to combat this. It's something I have considered but, honestly I am on the fence. Not only that but I like to think that I'm strong enough to do this on my own. Maybe that's stupid but it's kinda sorta working thus far? In my experience, not much really helps when it comes to depression besides counselling. Oh and telling people to "stop being miserable" or to "cheer up" is counter productive and annoying. That's not what we want to hear so just please don't.
So let's talk about suicide. I always used to see suicide as the easy way out, an inconvenience for others and quite a selfish act. How wrong I was...
It is by no means easy. Being in such a dark place that you feel that you have to give up because there is no point in carrying on with such a pointless existence is exhausting. It gets to the point where all you want to do is die so that you don't have to feel the pain anymore. And figuring out how you're going to top yourself is a pain in the arse because there are so many ways of doing it. Which is the best one?
Furthermore I feel like a hypocrite for thinking so trivially about it. The fact that it's selfish and inconvenient is not something that crosses your mind when you have given up hope and just want it to end. I have come to realise that, no matter if it hurts other people, you are allowed to want freedom from pain. That being said, I do not think that it is the answer. At the very most it is a last resort, if all else fails.
That brings me to talking about counselling. Having reached the lowest point in my life that I have experienced so far, I decided I needed help to come back to sanity. Sat across from a doctor, being diagnosed with social anxiety and depression opens your eyes a bit to say the least. But it's the first step I took to receiving help.
On my way to the counsellor I had an image of a person in a pinstripe suit with glasses and unnaturally neat hair sat behind a mahogany desk. Behind them was a wall-long bookshelf full of leather bound books. On the desk were a row of expensive pens and a leather notebook along with various miscellaneous items. On the left wall were certificates, on the right motivational posters. And then a leather chaise longue.
Reality was something quite different. It was a small room with two chairs, facing each other with a small table between them. And my counsellor was far from what anyone might expect. The daunting image, ground into us by Hollywood is incredibly misleading. Receiving counselling (cognitive behavioural therapy for me) was the best thing that I did last year. It gave me the tools, or weapons I should say, I needed to combat my issues. It's a long process and my issues will probably be with me for the remainder of my life. But at least I now know how to deal with it. Counselling brought me out of the darkness and allowed me to feel again.
I hope this post has enlightened and/or helped at least one person. Please remember that you are never alone and there are people out there who want to help you. If anyone feels like they need to talk to me about anything, even to ask me how I got help or how they can get help, feel free to contact me.
Thank you for listening to me waffle on (mmm waffles). I promise to talk about happier topics in the future.
